Brains
by ariathal2410
Summary: Allen is not like most zombies. CRACK, Zombie AU, Poker Pair, Oneshot


**WARNINGS** : Yaoi, zombies, mild mentions of violence and death, innuendo, CRACK

 **AN:** Trying to write more at the moment. This fic is inspired by a song by Jonathan Coulton called Re: Your Brains. Heard it this morning on my mum's CD and couldn't help myself :P Hope you enjoy!

 _Disclaimer:_ Don't own D. G-M, it's characters or the song

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Allen was not like most zombies. He still had most of his brain function, but his morals were pretty much shot. He saw nothing really wrong with eating people. As long as he asked first, of course!

"Hi there! Do you mind if I eat you?"

"Huh?!"

He was also rather chatty, considering he was dead. He'd try to strike up conversation with pretty much _anyone_ , even those he was trying to eat.

"The other zombies are okay, _I guess_ , but they're nothing compared to humans. I mean, they're just so _boring_! All they do is _moan_ and _groan_ , and it's not even the pleasant kind!" He rambled, still holding down the struggling man beneath him.

"Will you _shut_ _ **up**_!"

"You're not very nice you know…"

He also liked to change up his routine. He'd wander around with the other zombies, of course, but he was more adventurous than most of the dead. He'd go down side streets and alleyways, through parks and malls, getting lost more often than not.

"Hey! Do you know how to get back to 14th street? I'm _sooo_ lost! By the way, can I eat you?"

He'd even manage to get inside some houses that weren't locked! Though people did _not_ react well to his presence, and a surprising number of people had _guns_.

"Will you _please_ stop trying to shoot me?!"

"You're trying to eat us!"

"Well, yeah, I'm a _zombie_."

This was another of those times he had wandered off. He had found a rather large house, not _quite_ large enough to be called a mansion. He jumped over the fence and meandered up to the front door and tried the handle. Huh, locked. Seems like they were actually smart. Either that or they were already dead. Since he couldn't get in the conventional way, he decided to try the _other_ conventional way. He rang the doorbell. It took a few moments before a shuffling was heard on the other side of the door. It opened slowly to reveal a teen around Allen's age.

"Hi! My name's Allen, I'm a zombie, and I'd really like to eat you!" He chirped, the teen looked at him like he was crazy.

"What the hell kind of zombie uses a doorbell? For that matter, what the hell kind of zombie introduces himself?" He mused, an interested light shining in his eyes. Allen could just barely see a few more people coming up behind the teen.

"I'm not really like other zombies… Still gonna eat you though." He replied matter-of-factly, reaching forward to grab the teen. A flicker of surprise crossed the teen's face and the door was slammed shut not a moment later.

"Rude…" He sighed dejectedly. He eyed the door and knocked a couple of times.

"Can you _please_ let me in? I'm really hungry!" The teen requested loudly.

"Like hell!" He heard a different voice shout.

"No zombies allowed, hee!" Another voice agreed. Allen sighed again.

"Why are you being so mean?"

"You're trying to _eat_ _us_!"

"That's _everybody's_ excuse…" Allen sighed airily. He heard a snort from the other side of the door, and was glad _somebody_ at least found him amusing.

"Come _on_!" He whined.

"I just want to eat your brains! Is that _really_ so unreasonable? It's not like I want to eat your _eyes_ or something, _god_!" He complained exasperatedly, hearing giggling from inside the door. A series of muttering followed shortly after, and Allen realised they weren't paying him much attention anymore. The zombie sighed, pressing his back against the door and allowing himself to slide down until he was sitting. That's around when he decided to go on a wistful tirade about brains.

"… and they're just so _tasty_ , you know? And really good for you too, at least that's what I hear…" He was interrupted by a loud bang, the wood of the door splintering above him. He gaped.

"Jesus _Christ_! Really? Shooting at someone while they're _talking_? _**Rude**_!" He screeched loudly.

"Geez, good thing I was sitting down…" He grumbled. Another shot came through the door, right next to his head this time.

"Hey!" He yelled indignantly, scooting to the side so he wasn't in the line of fire anymore. He glared at the door for a moment before coming up with an idea.

"I know! Let's compromise! You open the door, I'll come inside and then I'll eat your brains!" Allen suggested chipperly. It was brilliant, if he did say so himself!

"That's not a compromise…" Was mumbled confusedly from inside the door, before a slightly angrier voice called out.

"How about a different compromise? We open the door, and shoot you in the face!"

"I don't like that compromise…" Allen mumbled concernedly.

"We don't like _your_ compromise." The voice retorted pointedly. Allen pouted.

"That's no fun…" He grumbled. He sat there for a long while in silence before there was movement. The door cracked open slowly, Allen peering around to look at those who were there. He stood slowly, so as not to scare them away. He couldn't eat them if they ran away again… The man bristled slightly when he saw the teen, but didn't immediately run off so that was a start. Allen smiled openly at him as the man eyed him warily. Finally, he opened the door a little wider and gestured to himself and the people inside.

"My name is Sheryl. This is my son, Wisely, and my daughter Road." He introduced, gesturing to each of them in turn. A teen Allen's age and a girl probably a couple of years younger, both looking at him with curiosity instead of fear.

"These are our cousins, the twins Jasdero and Devitto." He gestured to the two out of all of them that had guns, who were glaring at him suspiciously. One was blond, the other brunet and they were practically glued to each other's sides.

"And this is my brother, Tyki." He gestured to the last one there. Allen's eyes wondered over to him and _damn_ , was he _scrumptious_. Tan skin, wavy dark hair and _gorgeous_ golden eyes. He was tall, and his shirt had a few buttons undone, revealing a toned chest beneath.

" _Woah_. Hey there." Allen purred.

"I'll eat anything _you_ can give me…" He said suggestively. Tyki's eyebrows shot up, while Road practically collapsed into a cackling heap on the floor. Sheryl made a noise akin to a dying animal, Wisely smirked in amusement, while the other two just gaped. A few moments passed before Allen noticed that Wisely was squinting at him.

"It's rude to stare at people's decomposition, you know." He snipped. He knew there was a rather nasty spot on his neck from where he had gotten bitten. At least, he _assumed_ there was, he hadn't actually checked or anything…

"Although, if you really wanna talk decomposition, there's this guy down the street… Like _wow_ , okay, _so_ bad." Allen chuckled lightly. He saw a few of them wrinkle their noses, he just grinned.

"Are we sure he's actually dead? I mean, he seems pretty animated…" Wisely asked curiously, eyebrows quirking slightly in interest. Allen hummed, putting a hand on his chest and waiting a few seconds.

"Yeah, _pretty_ sure I'm dead. I mean, my hearts not beating... That means dead, right?" He mused, the other teen snorting in reply.

"Look…" Sheryl sighed after another few moments of tense silence.

"I think we can reach an agreement here. If you don't eat us, we'll leave you alone." He suggested politically. Allen simply stared up at him with wide eyes.

"But I _wanna_ eat you…" He deadpanned. The door was slammed closed again, accompanied by Sheryl's aggravated muttering.

"Eh~"

It had been a few weeks since their first meeting and Allen was keeping to their yard, only wandering out to grab something to eat or ask the other zombies to bring him something. He rarely heard or saw anything of the humans inside, though occasionally one of the twins would try shooting at him. They always missed though, so they didn't do it often. It was around this time that the door opened again. Allen perked up immediately, shuffling closer so he had better access.

"Finally gonna let me eat you?" He asked hopefully.

" _No_." Sheryl said sharply, narrowing his eyes. He glared at Allen shrewdly, clearly keeping his distance. After a short while Tyki finally spoke up.

"Look, we're running out of food, so we need you to leave so we can go out and get stuff. Either that or _you_ can bring us food…" He mumbled, obviously not expecting the zombie to comply.

"Sure, I can get you food. But here's the real question: can _you_ get _me_ food? Cos honestly, I'm _really hungry_ …"

"You wouldn't be so hungry if you weren't staking out our house!" The twins yelled in sync.

"Of _course_ I'm gonna stake out a house if I know there's food inside! What am I, stupid?" Allen yelled back rhetorically.

"Urrrr…" A passing zombie moaned.

"Shut up Bob. _Anyway_ , brains?" He chirped hopefully, smiling cutely at them.

" _Fine_ , okay? We'll see if we can… I don't know, scrounge up an animal or something…" Sheryl finally agreed.

"Fine…" Allen agreed sullenly. Animals were nowhere near as good as humans… small and not as tasty… He grumbled and muttered to himself as he walked away, before he heard the man call out to him before he was out of earshot.

"No eating people!"

"Oh my god! You people are _impossible_! Not allowed to eat _you_ , not allowed to eat anybody _else_! What am I supposed to do, starve? Ugh! Oh god, that actually sounded zombie-like…"

Being a wandering zombie definitely had its benefits. He knew exactly which supermarkets were infested, and thus, still heavily stocked. He took his time wondering down the aisles with a large trolley and picking stuff out. _Lots_ of canned stuff, nuts, chips, protein bars, peanut butter, jerky, cereal, dried fruit, crackers, protein shakes, evaporated milk... Some of it wasn't really _nice_ , per se, but it would last them a long time and keep them fairly healthy. He didn't bother with the produce or meats section, everything there was expired or had already been ransacked. Ooh pastas, he read online that was good for apocalypse situations! What else would they need? Ah, water, _lots_ of bottled water! Allen was gonna need a bigger trolley…

A few hours later he was dragging two large trolleys behind him, both filled to the brim with supplies. He had ended up ransacking a vending machine or two as well, candy was not only tasty but good for energy. He was walking back when he heard a small noise. He stopped and listened intently.

" _Mew_ …" Allen blinked. A cat? He looked around, listening for the sound until he finally found the source. A tiny kitten was perched on top of a large brick wall. It was so adorable!

"Look at you~! So cute and fluffy, you fur looks so soft!" He cooed, gingerly reaching out and grabbing it.

"Ah, you're adorable!" He said, rubbing noses with it and scratching it behind the ear. It mewed again and pushed further into his fingers.

"Naw~ I'll name you… Timcanpy!" He cried. The kitten mewed its agreement as Allen set it carefully atop his head. It snuggled there comfortably and the zombie continued on his way to the humans' house. Said humans' reactions were brilliant, in Allen's personal opinion.

"Oh, so you won't eat a kitten but you'll eat a person!" Sheryl shrieked, throwing his hands in the air. The twins quickly agreeing.

"There's so much food!" Road squealed happily, running forward to get a closer look. Tyki and Wisely looked on in amusement the entire time. They quickly started moving everything inside as Allen watched on in interest. Sheryl was still staring at him, so he stared back.

"If I invite you in, are you going to try and eat us?" The man asked warily. Allen blinked at him, tilting his head slightly.

"Are you providing an alternative food source?"

"Yes…?"

"Then no!" Allen chirped happily, he always loved company and as he said before: zombies? _Boring_! Surprisingly enough, the humans had managed to find Allen a rather decent selection of squirrel's, birds and other small animals to feast upon. As agreed, the zombie didn't attack them since he had other food options. Besides, he quite liked this bunch of humans…

They had all been living together for a couple of months when Tyki finally lost it.

"Wah, did you bring that back just for me~!" Allen exclaimed, stars in his eyes as he looked at the dead body before him. Tyki almost smirked at the response he gained.

"Yes, well… I found him on the street, he looked pretty fresh and untouched so I brought him here…" He lied smoothly. Seriously though, he was going insane if he was willingly to start killing people for this kid. Though the man _was_ trying to steal from them, so he _kind of_ deserved it. Probably…

"Thank you~" Allen sung happily, absolutely beaming. Tyki's face softened as he watched the boy fawn over the body, patting him on the head as he headed out. He winced when Sheryl walked in and blanched.

"Tyki…"

"What? I found him."

" _Where_?"

"On the street."

"Dead?"

"Yup." He popped the 'p', smiling innocently. Sheryl narrowed his eyes slightly, but didn't say anything else. He did sigh rather aggravatedly though… Tyki just kept on smiling. He was getting way too good at dealing with this…

 **END**

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 **AN:** *Maniacal cackles* Hope you enjoyed! Have an Omake!

 **Omake:** _The One That Got Away…_

"I have gotten away from you so. _Many_. _**Times**_. You _seriously_ think I'm just gonna let you _eat me_?!" The redhead shrieked at him. The female with the teen looked back and forth between them with a deer-caught-in-headlights expression, clearly having no idea what was going on.

"Geez, how many times do I have to explain this to people… I'm a _zombie_ , I _eat_ people, that's what we _do_." Allen explained slowly and patiently, as if talking to a child. The red-head just scowled at him.

" _No_." He said firmly, brandishing the hammer in his hands. Allen sighed exasperatedly.

"Fine… Do you wanna come live with us then?"

 _Silence~_

"Why the hell would I wanna live with a bunch of zombies? How crazy do you think I am?" He screeched suddenly, causing Allen to roll his eyes.

" _They're_ not zombies, only me." He said, shrugging as if it were obvious. The red-head's single eye twitched.

"Come on! There's plenty of food, _normal_ food before you get all defensive, and they have water and a big-ass generator… It's great!" He coaxed, smiling happily.

"And you don't eat them _why_?" The other teen asked plaintively.

"Because they help feed me."

"How?!"

"Oh, you know, they help find me animals and dead bodies n' stuff mostly… Ah! We should totally raid a morgue, that'd be a great source of brains! I'll have to tell Tyki when we get back…" Allen gasped, bouncing gleefully at his great idea. The two humans just stared at him for a moment.

"You're crazy." The red-head deadpanned. Allen rolled his eyes.

"I'm dead, what do you expect?" He remarked dryly.


End file.
